October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the one month a year that light is shed on a huge problem in this world. 1/4 of women worldwide will experience domestic/dating violence in their lifetime. Woman between the ages of 20 to 24 are at greatest risk of becoming victims of domestic violence. What is Domestic Violence exactly? Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling behaviors that one partner uses to get power over the other. Including: Physical violence or threat of physical violence to get control, emotional or mental abuse, and sexual abuse. If I could save just one person's life by telling my story, then all of the emotions I will be going through writing this will be worth it!
This is my story:
It all started when I was 16 years old; we will call him "M". I cant remember exactly how I met M but sometimes I wish I never had. M was my very first serious relationship and also the biggest mistake of my life. I cant recall how it all started exactly, the violence, but it was sudden, and It never let up. I think a part of me kind compartmentalized it and my brain wont let me remember it, Its probably for the better though. It started off as you cant hang out with this person, you cant hang out with that person, don't you dare leave my porch! Stay here until I return or you will regret it. I didn't listen, I left the porch and went across the street to see this girl I had become friends with. When I saw he was back and I walked back I instantly regretted not listening to what he said. He was so angry. The look in his eyes was pure hate. He grabbed me by my shoulders and slammed me up against the wall and told me that I was never to disobey him ever again. That went on for a while, the slamming me up against the wall. It happened in front of people and they didn't say one word, at that point I had it in my head that no one cared, no one was going to save me. It just progressed from there, I was burned with an iron twice, he put a black and mild out on my arm, he burned me with a zippo lighter, and he choked me until I blacked out. I was forced to do sexual things and at that point my life was spiraling out of control. I recall a time when I had a complete breakdown at home and I ran out in the cul de sac and said I had to get out of here. I didn't know where I was going to go or what I was going to do but I needed out. The abuse went on for a little over a year. God talked to me, he told me I needed to get out, he told me I was strong enough and I could handle it. So one day I just stopped talking to him, I ignored calls, I essentially dropped off the face of the earth...And then I was free. I'm still to this day amazed that I was able to get out of it as easy as I did, some women are not that lucky.
Lets fast forward about a year later, I was 17 years old. I met this guy who we will call "C". I met C through my god sisters boyfriend. C was such a funny, sweet guy, with a wonderful personality...or so I thought. We started talking for a little while and he really hooked me, I thought I finally found someone who was kind and who would never hurt me. He knew all about the abuse I endured with M and how I finally was able to get free. He told me he would never let anything happen to me. Fast forward a bit and his true colors slowly started to shine through, He had heard some rumor about me and yelled at me and told me how much of a worthless piece of shit. I instantly started crying, I had never seen him this angry before and It scared me. I went home, cried it out and he texted me apologizing. He told me he was sorry and that he would never hurt me. I was a fool, and I believed him. Lets fast forward to august, we had "taken a break" because he just didn't want to be with me while he was in the military, this was about a week or two before he was leaving for marine corps bootcamp. August 22nd, 2 days before my 18th birthday, It hit me that I hadn't had my period and it was ALWAYS on time. I thought, I've got to be crazy, there is no way I could be pregnant. I'm just going to take a test to ease my mind, except I took the test and It was positive. I cant even begin to explain to you the thoughts that were going through my head. I swore that test had to be broken, so I took the test again, and again, and again, until I realized that It was not changing. It was real, and it was happening. How was I supposed to explain to someone who didn't even want to be with me that I was pregnant. I texted him and told him we needed to meet up immediately, that it was extremely important. I met him at his friends house and told him that I was pregnant and showed him the pregnancy test. The shit storm that ensued after was something I will never forget. He backed me up against my car, got right in my face and told me that he wanted nothing to do with it and that I needed to get rid of it. I told him I was NOT having an abortion and that I was extremely against that and that he could be there or not be there, either way, I was having this baby. He proceeded to tell me how terrible of a person I was and that I was probably just making this up to get him to stay with me. I went home, depressed, but determined.
Fast forward about a month later, He went to boot camp and I got my first ultrasound. I sent him a picture and his personality changed completely. He told me how much he loved me and that he couldn't wait to meet our little baby and everything was falling perfectly into place, or so i thought. Months go by and he is at MOS school and informs me that he is getting stationed in Okinawa, Japan. Since him and I were not married at the time I couldn't go with him unless we could get his orders changed. He came home for about a week before going to Japan and we got married, I was happy with the way things were going and I really had hope for our future. I had quite a bit of complications with my pregnancy but I didn't think that I would end up having to have Laila sooner than planned. I went in for my 39 week appointment and was told my amniotic fluid level was too low and that I had to go to the hospital that night to be induced. I immediately messaged him to tell him that I was going to the hospital and he started working on getting his flight home. I was induced on a wednesday night and had her on friday morning. We were supposed to skype when I was giving birth, I had my sister updating him on how things were going. She informed him that I was going to start pushing soon...he went and took a shower. I was so upset and there was nothing I could do, I had to push. The first thing he said after I sent him a picture of our daughter was yelling at me for not waiting on him. Telling me how terrible of a person I was. It was devastating. It was supposed to be such a happy time and he was ruining it. Sunday, he came home and we picked him up from the airport. He seemed really happy about meeting his daughter, but that all quickly changed. He was home for 2 weeks on PTAD (Paternity leave) and I swear those 2 weeks could not have went by any quicker. We went down to NC so his family could meet the baby and it was terrible, I was slowly getting more and more depressed. He didnt want to stop the car so I could nurse her, and then when we got there she was having issues (we later found out she had really bad reflux) she cried all night long and It was heartbreaking cause I didn't know what to do for her. He just got upset and yelled "shut the fuck up!!" at our newborn baby. I wanted to go home so bad and I wanted him to go back to Japan. When we finally got home things just got worse. He was on the phone with his grandma and she was saying that she had all this stuff to give us for the baby and that she wanted to meet up with us when we were available. He wanted nothing to do with it and I kept saying we can meet up with her just find out when and he goes "SHH she will hear you" I kept telling him it wasn't a big deal and we just needed to meet up with her. Im sitting on the bed holding Laila and talking to him, he hangs up the phone, looks at me with such hate in his eyes and slaps me across the face. I was stunned, I could not believe this just happened to me. I started crying and screamed at him to get out of my room, I could not believe that just happened to me, and with my child in my arms. When I dropped him off at the airport I was so relieved. You would think knowing I wouldnt see my husband for at least a year I would be so upset, but I was relieved. Once he got to Japan the emotional abuse just progressively got worse. He told me who I could and couldn't hang out with, what I could and could not go out and do. He told me that If I was drinking alcohol while he was here he would take the bottle and smash it across my head. He told me I was worthless and that I would never amount to anything in my life. He threatened multiple times to kill me and that when he came home, he was going to put me back in my place. This went on for what seemed like forever, One day I finally got the courage to file for divorce.
Things were moving in the right direction...
I went and saw a lawyer on base and that was the first time I ever said out loud that he hit me. I cried and broke down in front of this guy who I've only known for a few minutes. He helped me, he is part of the reason I am alive today. I have no doubt in my mind that If i stayed with him, he would have ended up killing me. My lawyer got me in a group for victims of domestic violence and they helped me, they built me up and helped me see how strong I really was, and opened my eyes to how bad things really were. I remember them telling me that a large amount of women killed by domestic violence, their partner was never physically abusive; the were just extremely emotionally abusive and then one day they just snapped. They supported me and came with me to file for a protective order, and also helped me get a military protective order. I remember thinking about how mad he was going to be, I kept telling them I could just feel his anger.
Fast forward a month later, It was time for court and it would be the first time I've seen him in 2 years, I was terrified and as soon as I saw him walking to the courthouse I started breaking down and I had a terrible panic attack. I was so scared, so incredibly scared. We went into the courtroom and I was with my lawyer, a victims advocate from quantico, a victims advocate from the county, my sister and my best friend. He shows up with his sister and some friends. I not once looked up from the floor unless the Judge asked me a question, My lawyer answered for me. He had a chance to defend himself but didn't, my lawyer had a stack of proof sitting in front of her, and he knew that. He knew that If he tried to say that he never said any of this, all of the terrible things he said were going to be read allowed for everyone to hear and he didnt want that. He told the judge that he declined to defend himself "he only wanted his stuff back" The judge asked him about his daughter and he said that he didn't care; That only made the judge even more mad. He awarded me full custody and our car, and for the next two years he was to have no contact with me or laila or he would be arrested.
After court that day, things slowly started to get better. It took another half a year, but I finally got divorced and It was the best day of my life. I finally felt free, and that is a feeling I had been wanting for so long.
Im sharing my story with you today because there IS a way out. It may seem like its impossible but I promise you its not. Speak up, It is harder said than done but life will only move up from there. This whole expierence has mad me the strong woman that I am today! I work hard for my kid because they mean the world to me, and I am a huge advocate for domestic violence. My hope is to one day write a book and to start a non profit to help other women the way I was helped.
My name is Lindsay Johnson and I am strong, I am beautiful and I am a survivor.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence visit www.thehotline.org
